Can he ever get it right for his lady? He could if he reads this little known secret. Current research is showing that our brains have two emotional systems that work together – one is the Mirror Neuron System (MNS) and the other is the Temporal Parietal Junction System (TPJS). Females tend to use one and males favour the other. That sounds like yin and yang in action to me.

Louann Brizendine, MD, in her book The Male Brain, describes when a man sees his woman is distresses, both of his systems for reading emotions switch on. His Mirror Neuron System activates first to briefly feel the same emotional pain he sees on her face. This mirroring is how he feels emotional empathy.

Then quick smart his other emotional system, his Temporal Parietal Junction System (TPHS) switches to analyze-and-fix-it circuits to search his entire brain for solutions. Louann refers to this as the cognitive empathy. The male brain develops a preference for fix-it circuits early and locks this preference in after puberty.

The male’s Temporal Parietal Junction System also prevents another’s emotions from affecting his ability to reason and analyze and find a solution.

Busily working out a logical or practical fix-it solution he will totally miss that she is still in need of empathy and just wants her emotional state recognized and acknowledged.

So instead of being delighted with his immediate and practical solution she bursts into tears. Because he skipped straight into “provide a solution” she thinks he doesn’t understand or care about her feelings. When he can mirror back her feelings to her then she feels he’s got what it is like from her perspective.

He on the other hand, has just come up with the perfect solution and is totally perplexed at her breakdown into tears. His blank face shows clearly he doesn’t understand.

She mirrors his blank face in her own system and knows he is out of sync with her and doesn’t feel her feelings. Her first emotional system, Mirror Neurons, is still on and active while he is already operating in his second emotional system, fix it mode, Temporal Parietal Junction System. Her brain takes longer to move into fix-it circuitry. And it could all be to do with estrogen and testosterone.

Another woman will time the empathy phase much better, encouraging the verbal outpouring of the feelings, before going into solution possibilities.

So what is a man to do? Can he ever get it right for his lady? If he just acknowledges the emotional distress first she can feel validated and be more receptive to his solutions. “I can see it is really distressing for you,” or “I know how you feel,” would allow her to be more receptive to his ideas for a solution.

Try it guys. Tell me what happens.

Cheers
Anna McRobert
anna@annamcrobert.com.au